Theme from the pi-rates of Penzance (with apologies to Gilbert 
and Sullivan)

I Am the Very Model of a Modern Physics Theorist

I've studied all the sciences in order alphabetical
My judgment is, which some of you may find to be heretical
The field that's really quite abstruse,
The field where all the screws come loose,
The field that's famous for its spoofs, is physics theoretical.

I've taken undergraduate work whose content is forgettable;
And graduate work is gen'rally regarded as regrettable.
The lecturers are all absurd.
A cogent word is never heard.
Insanity afflicts a third in physics theoretical.

We never do experiments; we shun the purely practical.
Our best work's done in getting grants  -  our budgets are fantastical.
In one respect our motive's pure:
Though funding falls we still endure  -
We make damn sure our job's secure in physics theoretical.

Our scientific breakthroughs are, to say the least, debatable.
We laugh at critics haughtily; our egos are inflatable.
The rest of science goes along,
Because our last defense is strong:
It's hard to prove we're ever wrong in physics theoretical.