Top ten fun things to do aboard the Starship Enterprise: --------------------------------------------------------- 10. Give a turtle neck sweater to a Cardassian as a Christmas present. 9. Skeet shooting the shuttlecraft 8. Plugging Nintendo cartridges into Data 7. Giving Worf A nuggie 6. Ordering Pizza from Domino's then going 30 min. into the future. (haha, free pizza!) 5. Secretly replacing the Dilithium crystals with New Folger's crystals 4. Reprogramming the computer to play the theme to Jeopardy during self- destruct sequence 3. Watching Captain Picard do his Mr. Clean impression 2. Calling down to the transporter room, ask if they've beamed aboard Prince Albert In A Can 1. Tribble sex! the TOP TEN lines you'll never hear on Star Trek: The Next Generation ------------------------------------------- 10) Worf: Klingons do *not* play tiddlywinks! 9) Picard: It's too bad we don't live in an enlightened, civilized era like they had in the twentieth century. 8) Geordi: Did you hear Wesley almost got kicked out of the academy again? They caught him smoking pot! Data: (looks puzzled) Pot? (brightens) Ah. Marijuana - a narcotic obtained from the hemp plant. Cannabis. Weed. Mary Jane. Grass. Reefer. Panama red... 7) Troi (to someone she is counseling): You've obviously mistaken me for someone who cares! Now get out! 6) Worf: Ouch! I got a paper cut! 5) a Starfleet admiral: Don't worry about it, Picard, there's plenty of other ships in your quadrant. 4) Riker: Not tonight - I have a headache. 3) Worf: Do we have to beam down right now? The Smurfs are on subspace T.V.! 2) Geordi: We've modified the warp coils by reversing the polarity of the inverse geometric phase integrator and adding a broad-band neutrino flux generator to the hyper-magnetic field controls. Riker: What will that do? Geordi: I'm not sure, but it sure *sounds* impressive! 1) Picard: Oh, screw the hailing frequencies. Fire all phasers! 20 Things that never happen on Star Trek ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has encountered several times before. 2. The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly all right. 3. Some of the crew visit the holodeck, and it works properly. 4. The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform wearing a funny hat. 5. The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a mysterious plague, for which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise sick-bay. 6.The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive. 7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without serious incident. 8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads. 9. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff. 10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial. 11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties. 12. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called "Paradise" where everyone is happy all of the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly what it seems. 13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction. 14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century. 15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode. 16. Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious. 17. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher. 18. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change. 19. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him. 20. Most things that are new or in some way unexpected. The TOP TEN Favorite Activities of Capt. Jean-Luc Picard --------------------------------------------------------------- (from David W Kimball, dwk1@kepler.unh.edu) 10) ordering Earl Grey tea from the computer, then smacking himself on the forehead and saying "I could have had a V-8!" 9) yelling "Punchbuggy!" and hitting Riker's arm whenever he sees a shuttlecraft 8) screwing around in the holodeck when he ought to be on the bridge 7) spotlighting unsuspecting crewmembers with the glare from his forehead 6) lecturing everybody on why it's rude to fire the phasers at other life-forms 5) sending crank subspace messages to Starfleet Command asking if Dick Hertz is there 4) asking Beverly Crusher to come to his quarters so he can show her "a REAL Picard Maneuver" 3) Ticking off Romulan commanders during tense confrontations in the Neutral Zone by asking "Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?" 2) telling crewmembers in menacing, Dirty Harry voice, "Go ahead! Make it so!" 1) putting banana peels on the transporter pads just before an away team beams back up TOP TEN BUMPERSTICKERS ON THE U.S.S. ENTERPRISE ----------------------------------------------- 10. "Our other starship separates into 2 pieces!" 9. "No GREEN chicks!" 8. "HONK if you've slept with Commander Riker!" 7. "Guns don't kill people...Class 2 Phasers do!" 6. "Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!" 5. "CAUTION...We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical." 4. "If you can read this...don't you think you're a WEE-bit too close?" 3. "Have you hugged a Ferengi today?" 2. "We brake for cubes!" 1. "Wesley On Board!" Things you will never see on star trek -------------------------------------- Klingons are shown sitting around eating Pizza. Some Klingons get bored and paint the interior of their ship with decorative murals. Any fully functional space vessel is seen in any orientation except "right side up". A major character dies and doesn't get resurrected by a superior life form and doesn't appear in a later episode. The Enterprise encounters an alien race that has neither a problem nor any ambitions for universal dominance. Someone discovers a toilet on the Enterprise. Fuzzy dice over the viewscreen. The Captain sounds Red Alert and crew man stations looking like they *havn't* just spent hours in wardrobe and makeup. The Captain sends someone OTHER than the "chiefs of staff" down to the surface of a potentially dangerous alien planet ... and the mission gets completed just fine. ... and they all come back ... and they don't bring along an evil being/virus ... and they decide it's nice enough for a little R&R ... and no one gets killed An unknown ensign beams down as part of an away team and lives to tell the tale. Someone comments how odd it is that most alien species look exactly like human-beings-except-with-a-little-dent-on-their-foreheads. The alien delegate on board the Enterprise does not refer to his planet, species, culture, et cetera, as "My People". An alien species has a name for their planet completely different than the name the federation uses. Some members of an alien species have a different skin color than the rest of them, and they don't make a big old last-battlefield deal about it. A Federation starship is shown that has a crew that's less than 95% human. The Universal Translator kicks in when someone speaks French, Latin, or Klingon. The Prime Directive gets upheld without any sacrifices having to be made. The Prime Directive gets BROKEN and somebody gets court-martialled for it and the alien species really DOES suffer because of the violation. The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people and its made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive. The Enterprise receives a distress signal/a major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are closer and able to deal with the problem to everyone's satisfaction. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type that it has encountered several times before. The Enterprise goes to check up on a remote outpost of scientists/colonists who turn out to be perfectly all right. The Enterprise comes across a Garden-of-Eden-like planet where everyone is happy all the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly as it seems. The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform, wearing a silly hat. The crew of the Enterprise are exposed to a strange alien plague ... for which the cure is immediately found in the well-stocked sick-bay. ... for which the crew quickly develops a natural immunity. ... the biology of which is completely incompatible with that of the crew, and is therefore harmless ... the cure for which is found by an unknown med tech in biolab 3. ... the major symptoms of which seem to be completely treatable with aspirin. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the Enterprise's computer only to ... find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads. ... fail completely. ... get killed by the computers automatic antivirus utilities. ... find federations species too boring to bother with. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff. A power surge on the Bridge is fails to electrocute the user of a computer panel, due to a highly sophisticated 23rd/24th century surge protection feature called a 'fuse'. The Enterprise ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without serious incident. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial/put them on display/take over their minds. The Enterprise separates as soon as there is any danger. The Enterprise gets involved in an enigmatic, strange, and dangerous situation, and there are no pesky aliens they can blame it on in the end. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp phenomenon, which is in no way connected with the 20th century. Somebody takes out a shuttle and it doesn't explode/crash/get captured/disappear/suffer a major systems failure. Someone tries to take a shuttle without authorization but is stopped when the bridge officers close the shuttle bay door in time. The shields on the Enterprise stay up during a battle. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention. "Maximum warp" is actually fast enough to easily outrun something which is threatening the ship. The episode ends without Bones & Kirk laughing at Spock's inability to understand the joke, and he doesn't raise his eybrow. After Kirk tells Bones to help the poor unknown ensign who was just shot/eaten/mangled/perforated, Bones replies "Sure, Piece of cake!" Spock says "I can't calculate the probabability of that because I am distracted by Uhura's shapely legs." Scottie really needs extra time when he says, "I need more time Jim" Kirk's hair remains consistent for more that 1 consecutive episode. Kirk gets into a fistfight and doesn't rip his shirt. Kirk doesn't end up kissing the troubled guest-female before she doesn't sacrifice herself for him. Scotty doesn't mention the laws of physics Bones admits that he is, indeed, a bricklayer and not a doctor. Scotty admits that he prefers iced tea to 100 year old scotch. Scotty gives up drinking because his liver "kinna take no more" Worf/Uhura actually gives another vessel more than 2 seconds to respond to one of the Enterprise's hails. Kirk/Riker falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits and ends up staying with her at the end of the episode. Spock/Data is discharged from starfleet for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him. Spock/Data isn't the only crew member not affected by new weapon/attack by alien race/etc!! due to his "darn green blood"/"bizarre Vulcan physiology"/"positronic brain" and thus he cannot save the day. Bones/Beverly says "Ooops!" in the middle of a critical operation Beverly Crusher manages to go through a whole episode without having a hot flush and getting breathless every time Picard is in the room. Worf is shown with a milk moustache. Picard finally gives up playing the flute due to Comander Data's Observation: "you really stink". Picard gives Q a noogie. Troi reveals she actually "stuff's". Data uses the Enterprises Tractor Beam to create huge waves on Risa so Riker can impress the babes with his surfing skills. The Borg ship is completely disabled due to Geordi's brilliant plan to beam a bucket of water directly over the main computer. Picard, while riding a horse at fully gallop, is thrown against the Holodeck Wall and seriously hurt when Wesley turns off computer thinking no one is using it. Wesley Crusher gets thrown in the brig after endangering the Enterprise with one of his "experiments". The Enterprise stumbles upon a civilization that has a cure for advanced male-pattern baldness Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious. Mood rings come back in style, jeopardizing Counselor Troi's position. Troi confides to Picard/Riker/Beverly how horny she gets when she "feels that couple making out in the hot tub two decks above" Geordi runs a level 3 diagnostic and actually finds something wrong. Counsellor Troi counsels someone who is more psychologically screwed up than she is. Counsellor Troi enters into a relationship with someone without saying "We can't do this! It's wrong!" Captain Picard tries another brand of tea. Or at a different temperature. The Enterprise visits the Klingon Home World on a bright, sunny, day. An attempt at undermining the Klingon-Federation alliance is discovered without anyone noting that such an attempt, if successful, "would represent a fundamental shift of power throughout the quadrant." A major character spends the entire episode in the Holodeck without a single malfunction threating his/her life or trapping him/her there. Picard hears the door chime and says "I'm busy! Go away!" instead of "Come." Picard doesn't answer a suggestion with "Make it so"! Picard tells the helmsmen to engage warp engines by saying "Lets boogie!" Picard walks up to the replicator and says, "Coke on ice." Worf and Troi finally decide to get married, only to have Kate Pulaski show up and disrupt the wedding by shouting, "Did he read you love poetty?! Did he serve you poisonous tea?! He's MINE!" When Worf tells the bride officers that something is entering visual range no one says "On screen." Worf kills Wesley by mistake in the holodeck, (pity this wasn't done in "Deja Vu" then we could have seen it 5 times without rewinding the tape). Wesley Crusher is completely baffled along with the rest of the crew. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git. Wesley saves the ship, the Federation, and the Universe as we know it, and EVERYONE is grateful (including the Net). Wesley Crusher tries to upgrade the warp drive and no one is endangered and the drive actually works better than ever. Guinan forgets herself, and breaks into a stand up comedy routine. Top 21 Signs That The Enterprise Is Nearing The End Of It's Warranty: 21) Impulse engines stall when used in reverse. 20) Digital Speedometer on helm console stuck at "88". 19) Shields fail to work on alternate Fridays. 18) Rust problem in engineering causes support failure: one corner of warp coil now held up by phone book. 17) Computer fails to process any instruction beginning with "w". 16) Booster cables become permanent fixtures in transporter room. 15) Captain's chair must be propped up against the screen to keep image from flickering. 14) Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling through squeaky part of floor in 10-Forward. 13) Main sensor array unable to pick up anything except CBS. 12) Lower part of bridge falls even lower and the ramps along either side become to steep for crew to climb. 11) Turbolift can't climb past deck 5 when there are more than two people on board. 10) Holodeck becomes caught in infinite loop ship is overcome by ten thousand care bears. 9) Ship can't enter warp while food replicator is making Kraft macaroni and cheese. 8) Food replicator in 10-Forward will only serve light beer. 7) Bug in main computer speech processor: computer voice will either stutter or talk like Barbara Walters. 6) Untraceable glitch in plumbing periodically replaces water in Wesley's shower with frozen concentrated orange juice. 5) Ship's dryer indiscriminently shreds crew's uniforms, and related problem in fabrication machinery will only produce new clothing with Roger Rabbit caricature prominently displayed. 4) Computer refuses to carry out commands unless Captain says "Pretty please, with sugar on it." 3) Riker unable to sleep for 2 weeks when holodeck computer crashes and he loses access to nude volleyball program. 2) Replacement parts for automatic door to Captain's ready room are exhausted, and door must be replaced with bead curtains. 1) Saucer section separates when the ship makes a left turn. Data falls in love with the replicator.