One-liners :

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Quantum Mechanics:  The dreams stuff is made of

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery

I poured Spot remover on my dog.  Now he's gone

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder

Shin:  a device for finding furniture in the dark

Laughing stock:  cattle with a sense of humor

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Wear short sleeves!  Support your right to bare arms!

For sale:  Parachute.  Only used once, never opened, small stain

Ok, so what's the speed of dark?

Corduroy pillows:  They're making headlines!

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose