Random quotes.  [Some sound like Steven Wright]

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day.  Tomorrow 
     isn't looking good either.  =

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought
     to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they
    go flying by.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Me, getting smart with you? ....How would you know?

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts
   to bite people themselves.

I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager.

My Reality Check bounced.